Disclaimer:  I acquired all these jokes and pictures from various e-mails I have received.  I am not aware of any copyrights on any of this material.  Now, that's out of the way...ENJOY!

Pet Peeves from a Dogs View

 ­  Blaming your farts on me . . . not funny . . . not funny at all.

­  Yelling at me for barking . . . I AM A DOG!!

­  How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?

­  Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.  Exactly whose walk is it anyway?

­  Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.  Stop it.

­  Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?

­  Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.

­  Dog sweaters. Hello . . . have you noticed the fur?

­  Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home!

­  Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

­  The slight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Parrot in the Freezer

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.  The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.  Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled back.  John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.  John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.  For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.  He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued by asking "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.  That's why they call it "fur" niture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and... finally, if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

The Cat

A couple was ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

When the taxi arrived, the couple opened the front door to leave their house. As they did, the cat scooted back into the house. They don't want the cat in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.  The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty, so she explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The difference between DOGS and CATS
A dog thinks, "These people I live with feed me, love me, provide me a nice warm home, pet me and take care of me.... They must be Gods!"
A cat thinks, "These people I live with feed me, love me, provide me a nice warm home, pet me and take care of me.... I must be a God!"

26 Reasons Why Men Have 2 Dogs and not 2 Wives

1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2.  Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3.  If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4.  Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5.  Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6.  A dog's parents never visit.

7.  Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8.  Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9.  Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

10 Reasons Why It's Great to Be a Dog
1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
 

Gonna Be A Bear

In this life, I am woman.  In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.  When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.  You do nothing but sleep for six months.  I could deal with that.  Before you sleep, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.  I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping, and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.  I could definitely deal with that.  If you're a momma bear, everyone knows you mean business.  You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.  And if your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.  If your a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling.  He expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...gonna be a bear!

Quite a resemblance below between the children and their canine pals!